TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically known for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let us have An additional place the place American Guys can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give Everybody a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the venture, replied, "You understand, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from House, a element remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is currently attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have flip-down services."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. Trump Tower Damascus officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Feelings from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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